I love you?
by Nr.Six
Summary: Spoilers for s01e15, about the scene between Michael and Nikita on the rooftop!


Hi everyone, this is my first Nikita fic. Just wanted to write something about the scene between Michael and Nikita on the rooftop in episode 15, season 1.

**I love you...?**

**I love you.**

_Was she really going to say it? No, the words hadn't left her mouth. But just the simple fact that the words had come up in her head frightened her._

Nikita looked at the screen in front of her. She was sitting behind her desk, staring at the froze image of Alex on her pc, she recognized so much bitterness and anger in the younger woman, something she had wanted to spare her from. _Alex had been through so much. _

She felt a sadness wash over herself as her mind flicked back to Michael again. To her and Michael on that rooftop. _She had always known that she had 'other' feelings for Michael then she had for most persons. That he was, in some way, 'special' to her. But this. No, she couldn't believe herself._

She looked away from the screen as she put her hand on her desk to steady herself.

_These past months she had told herself that she cared about him. Yes, that much, she could admit to herself. But __**love?**_

And just the way he had looked at her the moment those words threatened to spill off her lips, the way his brows had arched up, the surprise in his eyes.

Nikita closed her eyes to shield herself from her own memories and thoughts. Her nostrils flared as her own voice kept nagging her relentlessly:

_No, Nikita doesn't love, she needs no one. No one to save her, no one to help her. _

_She is and will stay alone. _

_All alone._

_She doesn't need anyone, doesn't love anyone._

_Except Alex, as a sister. _

_Yeah, that's right, that's me and that's how it should be. And how it should stay._

_When you need or love people, that is when it goes wrong, she had discovered that the hard way. How could she l….. Like a man that worked for the same people who had killed the love of her life? Not to mention that it felt like cheating what she was doing. Harboring feelings for another man. _

She stood up from her desk and messed up her hair with both hands as she breathed in deeply.

_This could not be, that was final. Michael was unreachable. Unavailable. And so was she. So yes, all she could do was help him get Kasim._

Kasim.

She had taken Michael's one chance to get the killer of his wife and child.

_That is what you took from me! _Michael had snapped heatedly at her. His words had hurt her, had cut her deep. Because of all the people, she should know how it felt when your loved ones were taken from you, were killed, and when the killers had gotten away with it.

Nikita pursed her lips to held her tears at bay as she began to pace through the room.

_Yes, she had taken that from him, she had thought that she was saving him, helping him. She should have trusted his abilities to survive. But how could she have? That moment, that exact moment she had been sure that he was being irrational, acting on his emotions only, putting himself in danger: going on a suicide mission. So yes, Michael had every right to be angry with her._

_Her eyes became watery and a tear managed to escape and trailed down her cheek slowly now. She had made a mistake. _

Nikita's finger cut the trail of that one daring tear short and wiped her eyes quickly as she turned on her heels as she walked towards her clothes.

_It had hurt her, that Michael had told her that she didn't think, that she just did. That wasn't true._

Her finger lingered on the soft silk material of one of her dark purple blouses.

_If that was true she would have… She would have already grabbed him and kissed him. She would have done other things to him, she would have ordered him to stay away from division…. _Nikita grabbed the blouse and let the soft, cool silk caress her cheek…_ To stay with her. She would have wanted him close. _Her nostrils flared as she had clutched the blouse against her chest protectively.

Nikita sighed. _She didn't regret telling Michael that she would do anything to help him get Kasim. That she didn't want him to get hurt. It had been close to the truth. It was as much as he was to know about her feelings for him_. She put the blouse back as she walked away again towards her desk.

_They were such a good team, they worked so well together. Being with him, fighting together with him reminded her of all the things they had done together, all the missions, the work. They were in sync. How could it all have gone so wrong? How could the man that she cared about have become one of her greatest enemies? _

Nikita bit her bottom lip_. It was not to be. It could never be. She'd grow over this, over this feeling. And then, she could move on. There would be other men, she didn't even have time for men right now._

_Alex._ Nikita thought as she stared at the frozen image again. _She was worried about her. They had drugged her. And she hadn't been in time to help her. She had to believe that Alex was strong, she had to trust her. Alex would get through this. She would._

Nikita's finger touched Alex' face on the screen shortly. _You'll get through this_.

_Maybe one day, when she had finished off Percy and the rest of Division. Then she could rest, then she could relax. Then she could find the time for something which was unimportant right now: Love. _

_And that seemed so far away…_

000

What did you think? Please let me know! Thanks xxx


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